An Open Letter of Grief

March 22, 2019

Writen By

I'm hurt. My heart stopped and time is frozen. Life has become a stagnant reoccurring misery and the hole in my chest aches with your memories. I wish I could say I'll learn from this pain but I haven't yet, the wounds are fresh and festering and with each flashback sends waves of chills through me. A thick sinking feeling passes over me and each day comes with a new influx of depression stronger than the last. 

A dear friend of mine was suffering, hurt and empty and I didn't know. Or I should say, I did but had no idea to what lengths of strife-filled his mind. I feel regret for not reaching out. I think of the moments I didn't and that chance is now gone forever.  And now I sit in this fog of a reality where one missed opportunity turned into a ghost of what-ifs that will never be answered. Now I'm facing an existence where you're gone and fighting back the storm of feelings that have consumed me. But yet I have to stand tall, I need to be the pillar of strength for the one you left behind. Your wife, my best friend. 

A 15-year friendship and growing, my sister and best friend I'm sorry you're facing this cold reality. I'm sorry I'm so far away and too broke to do anything about it. You're suffering an unimaginable amount; I know you are. Mourning the loss of your husband who left this world of his own fruition. I can't imagine the onslaught of thoughts consuming your very being, a world of doubt and confusion. A reality that only becomes more ingrained into your being with each passing day. I've only seen you sad a handful of times. I grew up with you, day after day through adolescence unto the present and I know your world has been shaken to the core. I wish I had some magical words to make everything okay again, a potion to take away your pain and suffering. I would bare it all for you, and yet here I am, 3000 miles away and helpless to comfort you when you need it the most. How do I even consider myself your friend if I can't be there for you for what is without a doubt the worst moments in your life? My mind won't stop racing and I can't keep you out of my thoughts. It's cold, a shit poor bullshitty excuse why I can't be there. I argue with myself that money isn't something that should keep me from being there for you and yet here I am, rotting in my own self-pity while you suffer daily at the absence of your husband and I'm nowhere to be found. A short message away but yet I can't provide the warmth of an embrace you so desperately need. Instead, you're facing this fog alone and I can't help but think of the worst case scenario where you leave me too and I can't bear the thought of losing you.

I struggle to find the right words to tell you, concerned the wrong sentence will send you over the edge and you'll join him and you both will just become a memory that fades with time. I want you to know that despite the bleakness of each passing day you are loved and appreciated more than you'll ever know. There are so many things you still need to experience, we have futures full of adventures not yet enjoyed and as selfish as it is for me to say, I need you more than you'll ever know, sincerely your best friend.

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